Sitting on a throne of lies

There's a raspberry sized baby inside of Cristina and it's insane how fast the baby is growing. Week 8 starts tomorrow. We  are both so excited. The most difficult thing is NOT TELLING ANYONE WE ARE PREGNANT. Lying is hard! Especially to close friends. We decided not to tell anyone until we reached the 12 week mark and get the results of genetic testing. It's amazing there's a new test simply the blood of the mother will tell if there are chromosomal abnormalities in the child and as a bonus we'll know the sex of the child. So until then we are sort of omitting the biggest thing happening in our lives right now. We feel like it would be too difficult to share our joyous news and then to have something go wrong and have to explain that painful sadness to anyone. 

Miscarriage happens and every week that passes we feel so increbily lucky that our baby is sticking around and growing. The fact is -- so many women go through losing a baby that it's more common than anyone realizes... And so tremdously heartbreaking. 

I also have started to understand the idea of the miracle of life... It's beyond that religious notion and the scientific explanation of how we multiply. The whole conception/gestation is mind blowing. Humans are fascinating. Cells building us to make all of our parts functional plus the spirit and soul of the people we are... Keeps making us wonder who our kid will be? What will they like? What will be important to them and how will they think? Then there's the vain stuff... But this kid has a gorgeous mom, so no doubt it's gonna be cute.

For now we have to pretend we are double agents.... I don't like keeping this secret. And I think some people know because we are so outwardly happy.  Friends keep on asking because they read this blog or know we have started trying to get pregnant. 

The secrets we keep... Part 2

Written September 17, 2014

Tiny fluttering heartbeat ... one of the most miraculous sights I've ever seen. Watching the flickering light inside my uterus on the ultrasound screen brought tears to Liz's eyes and overwhelmed me with gratitude. Today marked 6 weeks and 2 days, and our baby is 4.2 mm in size, complete with neural tube, heart, and cells that are quickly forming all of the organs.  The miracle of intelligent design and the biology behind how these cells just inherently know how to form a human being is so incredible, it almost feels like science fiction.

After our first pregnancy ultrasound, we found ourselves ecstatically hugging and clinging to each other in Whole Foods at Columbus Circle. The excitement of seeing our little nugget for the first time made it all real, and we can't wait for the adventure that lies ahead!

End of Summer Happy House Hunting

Oh, what a beautiful last weekend of summer we had!  In our seemingly never-ending search for a house in the Hudson Valley, we spent both Saturday and Sunday looking at homes. Our Saturday visits were on the west side of the Hudson, with one in Ulster Park and the other in Port Ewen... both locations we know nothing about.  The first house was an old renovated barn with vaulted ceilings and a quirky layout. The exposed wood beams and unique nature of the house lured us in briefly, but then we saw the kitchen. Small kitchen tucked away from the rest of the house and unable to open into a dining or living space. So, this wasn't quite the one. Then, we visited a home in Port Ewen that was adorable but was located on a double yellow road, which is a deal breaker for us. 

So, we finished the day and headed to our friend Joey's house to stay for the night. He graciously let's us stay there even when he is not, so we got the key and entered the house to find a power outage. We lit candles, and when Liz called the power company it turns out that a car ran into a telephone pole and knocked out the transformer only minutes earlier on the same road we just drove. We heard sirens as we entered the house, and while having no power for a bit was a bit of an inconvenience, we were incredibly grateful to have missed that accident. But within a few hours the power was on, and we had a great fire going in the wood burning stove to keep us warm. 

On Sunday, we returned to Athens (the site of the accepted offer debacle) to see a beautiful Victorian home in the village. While it's significantly above our original price range, we both really like it and felt like it has everything we've been looking for. After this successful visit, we went to see another house that was quite the opposite. It's located in a more "country" setting with a beautiful yard, trees all around, and no house across the street or right next door. With 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, it's a great size, and the layout is open and clean, which feels like a perfect country home. It's walkng distance from a swimming lake and a short drive to Taghanic State Park with lots of hiking and beauty. It's also not too far from Red Hook, Tivoli, and Hudson (about 25 minutes). 

We couldn't believe our luck!  Two houses in one day that make us both equally excited. That never happens!  So, moving forward, our hope is that one of these two places becomes our first home together (weekend home), and that you can come visit next summer.  Fingers crossed😊 

Back yard shot of Athens house

Back deck shot of country house

Neighbors to the north

Montreal Street art by Parisian artist Kashink.

September already!!?? Oh where does the time go? 

We drove up to Montreal over Labor Day to spend the weekend with our friend Eric and explore the city. Eric rented an apartment for the month of August in Montreal's gay village to work on his second novel. (His writing is great btw. He  also has a column on the Wall Street Journal online called crtl alt.) 

It was Cristina's first time to Canada. I think overall a great introduction. Mainly we traversed the city by bixi - the Canadian version of our bike sharing program citibike. A fun and easy way to get around. Much safer than biking in NYC.

We went to the fantastic food market Jean Talon, the botanical gardens and insectarium, thrift store shopping, a street fair on Mont Royal, a fancy cocktail bar called the Lab (bartenders did fire shows), walked over 17 miles in a day, climbed up Mount Royal to see the view at sunset and got a little lost on our way down in the dark, ate; poutine, bagels, fromage, ground cherries, and KOUIGN AMANN (as many pieces as we could handle eating).

It was a good getaway for us.

A perfect place to have a seat... At the Montreal botanical garden. I look legless!

Eric shows off his new El Suave sperm underpants. Yes these were for sale at the street fair.

Our new obsession Kouign Amann - Basically a French (Briton) butter and sugar pastry, way better than a Croissant.

POUTINE!

at the Jean Talon Market. C'est magnifique

Montreal Bagels! Yes there is a large Jewish community here and their bagels are a lighter version on NY style.

In the lobby of Pierre Du Calvet, a quirky hotel dating back to 1725

There are many talking parrots in the lobby of the hotel.

These babies were at the insectarium. Ask me about my experience with a Rhinoceros beetle sometime, if you want to see me relive a tramatic memory.

50 cakes for your love by Kashink

Family Composition

Composing music ...

Sometimes it happens through a process of inspiration, where it feels almost like the music has been divinely gifted to the composer, while at other times it happens through structured time built in specifically to create something new and beautiful. Regardless of the method, compositions come together and form in unexpected ways such that when the listener finally hears it, they are moved in ways that nothing else can inspire.

Family composition can be a similar process. For instance, in our visit to Western Massachusetts this weekend we got to meet my friends' Cherry and AJ's two boys, who are in their care through the foster system. Their journey with fostering started 9 months ago with a 4 year-old little boy named J, who came to them with angry and aggressive behaviors (kicking, biting, punching, throwing objects), a mouthful of rotten teeth, no verbal abilities, and years of neglect. Their plan was to provide him a home while another one was lined up for him. But sometimes connection happens and divine intervention strikes. Because even in the face of all of the angry behaviors and the dentist visits and the daily appointments to doctors and therapists, Cherry and AJ fell in love with J. He inspired them to see a possibility that they hadn't seen before, and now that his mother's rights are up for termination, they are excited about the possibility if having J as part of their permanent family. By the way, in the past 9 months he has stopped the aggressive behaviors almost entirely and is the sweetest little LoveBug who likes to explore and talk (even though we may not understand what he's saying).  And just 2 months ago they provided respite care for a 14 year-old boy who had been kicked out of his previous foster home, and this time AJ heard the music. She knew that he had to come live with them, and as it turns out, she was right!  Now, they will go to court in early September and the court will decide if he is able to return to his home, but it's highly unlikely. So, if he chooses, then they will be his new family from now until the end of time. So, inspiration struck, they are listening to their hearts, and their lives (and the lives of these boys) are forever changed by this new composition.

It was music. And it was a new family they didn't even expect, but here it is 9 months later and they couldn't be happier. 

We, on the flip side, are working diligently to compose something beautiful, and it's taking lots of focused effort, plenty of patience, and an acute tuning to the harmony that we must create together in this process.  On Monday morning we returned to Columbia, and it was time for our third insemination.  There was a long wait in between our last try and this one, due to some hiccups along the way.  Since I got the HSG, I forgot that I needed to go back into the office to get an ultrasound and prescription for a fertility drug to help my follicles grow.  Once I missed that window, then I went away for a week to Colorado for work.  So, I assumed that we just had to miss the cycle.  But, as I wrote in our last post, my non-ovulatory body was good fortune on this try because we were able to get the prescription for Letrozol and make my body ovulate on our schedule.  The Letrozol worked well and made my follicles grow like it was meant to do.  While away this weekend, I shot myself up with Ovidrel to induce ovulation, and then in we went on Monday.

As we waited for almost 2.5 hours in the waiting room at Columbia, and then once we were in the room waiting for the insemination to happen, I was thinking how much time and effort we are putting into this process and how much this child will know it is wanted and loved.  Aren't many of the greatest compositions labors of love?  Don't some of the most beautiful pieces of music take years to perfect and compose so that they will fit just perfectly together?  Well, that's what is happening with our family composition.  We are putting in the work now, and (s)he is just waiting in the wings to hear the perfect melody before making her grand entrance.  But, seriously, don't be a DIVA!  Get here as soon as you can :)

Tubes are open... full speed ahead!

Good news this morning!  We went for another Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test this morning, and it was determined that both fallopian tubes are open and ready for business.  So, hopefully, if the Letrozole does it's job within the next couple of days, we will be trying our 3rd insemination next week.

A lovely way to start a weekend :)

Ovulate Schmovulate!

Giant rainbow trout was caught by the novice angler Cristina Harris on August 2nd at Piney ranch, Colorado!

This was just one headline of last week's excursion to Colorado. I was in Denver from Sunday to Thursday for a training, and on Thursday night I joined Liz at a beautiful home in a resort area in the mountains. The smell of the fresh air, the feeling of the sunshine on my face, the sweet mountain breeze, and the company of my favorite person were the perfect end to a week spent alone staying in a less-than-luxury hotel.  Although I did get to visit the Denver Botanic Gardens while there to view the Chihuly blown glass sculpture exhibit, and it was spectacular. Here are a couple pics to prove it!

Being away temporarily took my mind off the difficulties of figuring out timing barriers to insemination. We knew that my training was going to fall right when I should be ovulating, and when you're going the route we're taking there are multiple monitoring appointments to get a good look at the follicles, increase any medication dosages if necessary, and then inseminate at the first sign of ovulation.  We weren't able to get the prescription for Letrozole (to help my follicles grow) before I left for Colorado, which was frustrating because I tried but it hasn't been pre-authorized with my insurance company by my doctors. So, off I went to Colorado feeling like we had missed our opportunity because I figured that might body might ovulate on its own while I was away. Well, it didn't, so here's what happened...

Upon returning, I went to Columbia on Tuesday for an ultrasound to see what was really going on in there, and for better or worse, my body still refuses to ovulate on its own. And while this is frustrating in some respects, it actually works in our favor in others. Because I don't ovulate (due to PCOS), I am not tied to the tight schedule of cycles that most other women are. Since I had no follicle growth and my uterine lining was still thin, Dr. Ruddick (our favorite doctor) prescribed Letrozole for me and said that I could start that night. After a round of 5 days, I will go back in, get ovulation triggered using Ovidrel (a shot I give myself in the belly), and then return the next day for insemination. All of this to say that we didn't have to miss a cycle thanks to my crazy, rule-breaking body. 

But before we inseminate for the third time, we are going tomorrow to have another HSG done to see if my left Fallopian tube is blocked. In my first HSG in February, it showed up in the scan that my tube looked a bit pinched but they couldn't be sure if that meant there was blockage or if it was just a muscle spasm in reaction to the catheterization procedure. So, now we're gonna find out once and for all if those little swimmers have a working tunnel to my uterus or if we will have to provide them with an alternative route. 

And here's hoping that this procedure doesn't have the same effect as the last one in February when I blacked out at the dentists' office following the HSG and was almost taken away in an ambulance.   Fingers crossed!

So, here we are. Hopeful. Wishing. Wanting. Waiting. And loving each other through it all. Liz continues to love me through my emotional roller coaster of excitement, frustration, anger, hope, fear, and everything in between. And that feels like everything right now😊