Where has the time gone??

Human life is miraculous and inexplicably ordinary at the same time. Our lives have been a whirlwind over the past 3-4 months with work, all the while marveling everyday at our good fortune of having this tiny human who keeps changing with each passing day. Anzel reminds of the joy and curiosity that we all wish to have in our lives. The adventure of life is held within each moment, and watching this kid capture that feeling over and over again is enough to make my heart explode with joy within my chest at least 20 times each day. 

With his first birthday less than one month away, I am reflecting on this past year and feeling so much gratitude for my family. Liz is the most amazing partner, parent, and friend I could imagine. Anzel is happy, social, and healthy (with the exception of constant runny noses, a little pink eye here and there, and the inevitable yuckiness that comes from going to day care with 11 other little humans each day). 

We've watched as he got his first teeth around 5 months, started eating every type of food in sight including jumbalaya and cornbread with jalapeños in New Orleans, started standing up on his own and pulling all books off the shelves, climbed the full flight of stairs at our upstate house...and soon we will see him walking and hear him speaking actual words. 

On March 24th, Liz officially adopted Anzel.  It was such a great day and we were able to celebrate with family and friends that evening. It just solidified what we have already known and felt from the time he was born. We are both equally his parents, and it feels really good to finally know that this is fully recognized in the eyes of the law. We celebrated with margaritas, guacamole, delicious Mexican food, and balloons (Anzel's new favorite thing... Thanks, Aunt Mary). 

We also visited Catherine, Brent, Mason, and Elliott (Liz's sister and family) in Minneapolis last weekend, and it was such a trip to see all the boys together. They had so much fun, and 6 year-old Mason is completely in love with Anzel, and I think his Aunt Catherine is too!

It has been far too long since I've last posted, but I want to keep this record for us and for Anzel to read in the future. So, I'm committed to posting as much as I can. Tonight we came back to Brooklyn from a beautiful Spring weekend upstate, and as he sucked down his bottle before bed I read him some of my favorite pages from the Tao te Ching.  He already feels to me like he holds so much wisdom, is centered and grounded, and seems to hold so much joy in just BEING. I look forward to learning from him along the way. 

In Memorium, Ellie Conant, June 28, 1979 - January 1, 2016

On the verge of Anzel turning 8 months old.... the past 2 weeks of our lives have been bumpy, painful, sick (he had pink eye and I had a bacterial and ear infection) and full of grief.  He is full on crawling and blissfully unaware that his Auntie Ellie (one of my oldest and closest friends in NYC) died of cancer on New Years Day, 1/1/2016. 

Ellie was important in my life and and our life as a family. It's difficult to explain who we lost. Our hearts are heavy. To share who Ellie was I will post my eulogy here for Anzel to read in the future.
  
I read this at her beautiful memorial service on Sunday 1/10/2016 in Brooklyn.

Ellie Conant

Ellie Conant was my "little sister" and one of my best friends.

Picture it, New York,1999…. Ellie was 20 years old. She had just moved to New York City to follow her first love Shannon from Washington state after they met… at an Ani DiFranco concert! How lesbian is that?

Shortly after her move to Brooklyn, Ellie and I met in a video editing course at Dyke TV. Most of the students were new to the city so we bonded quickly…. but Ellie and I had an instant click being the only west coasters. We decided pair up and shoot video of what seemed super cutting edge and progressive at the time of the Millennium, Yup…. DRAG KINGS! I’m not sure what ever happened to all the footage since this was very pre-digital but we ended up with the best masterpiece of all. A lifetime friendship with far less drama than a Lifetime television show.

Ellie was the only underage person in our class. Since we needed footage in clubs we tried to make her a “Dyke TV Press Pass”. It didn’t work. This was Guiliani era but pre-9-11 New York. We quickly figured out that the doormen at the Rising Cafe in park slope, Meow Mix and the Clit Club really only needed to see an ID…. ANY ID….SHE USED MY ID. We look alike right?? 

2 Elizabeths

Her lust for nightlife was apparent even then.

She used to bring me her cash tips from her job at Starbuck to hold in my sock drawer…. What she “deemed the Bank of Liz”. I was supposed to play moral ATM when she need it for real expenses instead of going out. 

Karaoke for Joelle's Birthday in 2005

Over the years she moved out of Barista and cafe management life, a blue man phase, and the various nanny gigs and started to connect with so many of you as a party promoter. I remember the day she un-veiled herself as the Gaysha. I thought “Dang my little sis is coming into her own now.”

She honed her talent and strengths. Nobody built a more inclusive warm space for queer people. Her prowess .... she could bring people together and build community. She helped to bond people, making introductions creating friendships and I'm sure more than one romantic relationship because of snapshot, choice cunts and pride events. 

We all know she had a killer sense of humor and was the first person to reach out and say “hey, Gurl”. She was a charmer and with a smile and a funny quip she made all around her feel seen and loved. I was proud of her and this time Ellie was getting ME into clubs!

Going to her parties was like watching a bright sparkling firefly. She would move about the darkened crowd and people would want to capture a bit of that glow she emitted. Smiles would spread out as she passed giving hugs and winks. It was a kind of magic that few possess. 

Us

Ellie had a very public persona and a private side that she shared with her nearest and dearests. There were girlfriends and break-ups and somehow she kept the peace and maintained friendships. When she met her Fiancee Melissa I was witness to another big shift for Ellie. A relationship that was deeply adult and very much for keeps. They balanced each other in a way I had not seen before. The love that she had for Melissa was something I hope all of you have in your lives at least once. 

Liz, Cristina, Melissa and Ellie at the Pool Show, Ice Palace, Cherry Grove Summer 2014

Over the last few years we were able to have some vacations together as couples in Fire Island. We had some of our best times ever. There was one evening in Cherry Grove we had a bit too much to drink and I told Ellie that we were planning to start a family. Her reaction surprised me. She told me she was really worried that if we had a baby we would lose our friendship and no longer see each other. I assured her that was not going to be the case, that things might change but our friendship was solid forever. Then a few months later in October 2014 I got a call from Ellie that she was at the hospital and had been there a few days. My partner, Cristina and I went right away. She and Melissa didn’t know at the time what exactly what was happening but they knew it most likely was cancer. We realized the seriousness of the situation and decided to tell them both the news we had only shared with our moms… it was we were expecting a baby in May 2015. We said she must be well again to an Auntie to our child.

Well that news lit Ellie right up. She was excited about the baby and it gave her a little beacon of light throughout her cancer treatments. When our son Anzel was born she dubbed him “Zellie” and so much of that love she had for me was showered on him. I’m so thankful that she was able to meet him and love him but one of the most difficult aspects of this loss is that Zellie will grow up not knowing Ellie. Please if you see our son as he grows up share your stories about Aunt Ellie with him.

Ellie, Zellie and Cristina 7/4/2015

 

July 4, 2015 with Melissa & Ellie

Ellie and Anzel in Elizaville, Aug 2015

Nov 8, 2015

Ellie was many things to many people, but when we distill it all down to her spirit... the result is LOVE. She was all about Love. Spreading it about. Introducing you to kimchi and love.

All of us will miss her forever so we must carry her spirit onwards. 

Each of you have special memories with Ellie. I ask you each to do what Ellie would do. Get a Heineken and a shot of Jameson. Um just kidding…. I always hated that Heineken. But seriously after this memorial introduce yourself to the people here you don’t know. Share the funny story you have brimming in your heart about Ellie. Meet her mom and twin brother Eddie and tell them what you shared with their girl. Do something that you deem is “soooo Ellie”. Give people a smile for no reason. Spread a little love and keep it positive. Hug Melissa and give her a really good cup of coffee. Listen to Erasure. Go to eat some Korean bbq and bring someone with you who has never tasted it before. You know what to do. 

Our last visit, 12/30/2015

Our dear friend Ellie wanted leave a legacy before she passed away on January 1, 2016. She decided to focus on the LGBTQ youth living in Korea. There are no laws protecting the rights of LGBTQ people in South Korea (Don't even ask what happens in North Korea!). The suicide rates are very high for the youth that do come out. Please help continue her legacy by donating to the Astraea Foundation in her honor. The money will go to an LGBTQ youth shelter in Korea. Be sure to indicate that your donation is in memory of Ellie Conant so that the funds are allocated to this specific youth shelter.

https://crm.astraeafoundation.org/civicrm/contribute/transact?reset=1&id=5

Can't help loving this kid!

He awoke this morning in Brooklyn making melodic sounds and fun screeches while holding his own feet and smiling. It's just completely unbelievable how quickly he is changing and how deeply in love with him we are. 

At almost 6 months, his personality is really starting to shine. He's "talkative" and loves to socially interact with friends and strangers alike. He loves to watch animals and giggle at them, and if one gets close enough he reaches out his hand to pet. This goes for Lola the dog, as well as his stuffed Lion, teddy bears, and a real bunny rabbit he had the chance to meet this weekend at a farm upstate. 

When we went to Pittsfield, MA this weekend to visit our friends Sarah and Bess and their 7 month old son, Hendrix, Anzel kept reaching out a hand to Hendrix and accompanying that gesture with a smile and giggle. So far it seems that he's comfortable with just about anyone and truly is working to connect and communicate based on the faculties he currently has. It's so interesting to watch. 

 

This weekend upstate was so lovely, and we actually stayed an extra day because it made us so happy. I worked remotely, and Liz was able to take Anzel on a walk to the pond near our house. Throughout the weekend he got to explore using all five senses, and we could see his natural curiosity at play as he lay on a blanket in front of the roaring fire in the wood stove, listen to the rooster standing before him  crow "Cock-a-doodle-do," taste a pickle spear for the first time (and love it), hear his mamas talking to a family that's lived on a nearby farm for 7 generations, and touch the beautiful bounty of nature in Fall. 

As I write this he sleeps next to me in his crib, making soft snoring sounds. I know that tomorrow we will wake to find him bigger than today and that soon he will be sitting up on his own.. And then standing... And then walking... And then driving😊. But for now, I am here. He is almost 6 months old, and I am so grateful for every moment we have together. 

Fall beauty at 24 weeks of life

As I soak in a bath of Epsom salts in our dusty rose colored 70's bathtub, I thought now might be the perfect time for a blog post. Comfy, happy, and filled with love and gratitude for all that Liz and I have created together. 

Anzel is almost 6 months old now, and the last bath I took was when I was 40 weeks pregnant and filled with curiosity about this little being inside of me.  And now here we are, and I could not be more in awe of him!

He is rolling over from back to front and front to back everywhere.  It's his primary means of getting from Point A to Point B, and he's working hard to get all his parts to coordinate so he can start crawling. It won't be long now!

A few weeks ago we noticed a tooth on the bottom getting ready to come through when we were in Philadelphia, and the next day it came through the surface...his first tooth! Anzel stayed in his first hotel and enjoyed another city for the first time. When we took him to day care the Tuesday after our trip, we told them that he had a second tooth under the surface. By the time we picked him up that day it had popped through!  And then there were two.  Now they're growing and you can see them in his sweet little smile. 

He's serious about his food and insisted on using the spoon to feed himself. 

His personality is really starting to shine through. He loves to laugh and smile. He is incredibly fond of soft, furry animals (like his mama), and he LOVES to eat. His favorite is squash, and when we feed it to him, he grunts in between each bite, as we can't get food into his mouth fast enough. We've taken to calling him "Two-Tooth Squash Beard" for the time being. 

Today is Halloween, and it's the last weekend with the beautiful Fall leaves on the trees upstate, so we decided to get out of the city (because there is also the Halloween Parade, World Series, and NYC marathon happening this weekend) and come to enjoy the brilliance of nature in full effect. Yesterday we went to Clermont State Historic site right by the Hudson River, and it was spectacular. 

It's funny because the night before I took Anzel to our rooftop in Brooklyn to watch the sunset, and he experienced a whole different type of beauty. The pink light of the sky reflected off of the Empire State Building and the rest of the skyline while we watched the water towers of Brooklyn turn to silhouettes. 

Buying this house was one of the best decisions we've made together, second only to having Anzel, of course. 

In the midst of work and everything else that's happening, we're also trying to figure out how to get married. The where, the when, and the HOW are stumping us. But soon enough we will have a plan and when we do I have no doubt it's gonna be FUN!

Toof in the City of Brotherly Love

Anzel continues to change almost everyday. The loves to talk and make sounds. 

This weekend a tooth has broken the surface. 

I was speaking to an Advanced Drawing class at PAFA on Friday so we made an overnight family trip to Philadelphia. 

Anzel was super charming at the Mia Rosenthal opening at PAFA Museum's Morris Gallery.

He even talked to some of the drawings. I think he likes looking at art. We went to the Barnes Foundation to see the extraordinary collection. He loved the portrait paintings...

Especially the weird and melancholy portraits of Madame Cezanne.  

Modigliani was also interesting to him. 

But the crazy Soutine paintings were transfixing to Anzel... Weird but true. 

Dr. Barnes what a collection you amassed and displayed! Happy to finally see it and have our son with us too. 

Lately the kid also likes watching us drink coffee and anything else. He wants to also drink! 

5 months is absolute cuteness. 

4 months. 3 days of day care. 2 tired moms. 1 avocado

ANZEL turned 4 months old on the 15th (yesterday) and wow has he started to change.

He started a local family daycare 3 days a week after Labor Day. He seems to be adjusting well. There's around 10 to 12 other children in the daycare. We hope and encourages him to be social and to speak earlier. It's not easy leaving our baby with strangers but all the parents we spoke with gave rave reviews of the daycare... And since we have no lotto winnings, no trust funds and no stock options in the next IPO ...we must work. 

Now he is looking all around him taking in more than just our faces. When I carried him in the ergo carrier on my chest over the Brooklyn Bridge on September 11th for our annual walk he suddenly recognized that I was above him. He kept looking up at me. 

It was a beautiful day and evening and hard believe it's been 14 years since 2001. 

Last night on his 4 month birthday we gave him his first "solid" non-milk food. Avocado! We tried a baby spoon but that was too weird for him so he just ate it off Cristina's finger. Auntie Tamika stopped by to play a supporting role in his feeding... He cannot sit up yet on his own. 

He realized I was watching him...and taking photos. 

We are tired! (Not at all shocking, we know.) Anzel has yet to sleep through the night... We are hoping some solid foods will keep him fuller longer like mixing rice cereal into his night bottle of milk. 

We head to California this weekend. Anzel's first plane ride! Brother-in-law Brent says I'll be buying all the seats near us a round of drinks...

Stay tuned.