The Voice of NO

Her voice on the other end of the phone was so light and hopeful, "Hello, can I speak to Cristina Harris?"  I knew who was calling and was feeling encouraged by her tone of voice.  She stated her name, which I don't remember now and that she was calling from Dr. McConnell's office at Columbia. Her tone conveyed that perhaps there was some good news, exciting and life-changing news, ahead but then she said, "I'm sorry... Blah, blah, blah," and the smallest bit of hope that I had for this try was gone. The air left my heart, and I felt deflated. I squatted in the hallway at work, looking at the brown carpet, elevators, and long corridor of beige walls wondering why the universe just continues to fuck with us. It made me question everything. What am I doing?  Why am I not traveling more and having more adventures?  Why, if this is so hard, would I feel the need to bear a child of my own when there are so many unwanted babies who would be lucky to have me as a mom?  If this isn't it, then what's the big change that's going to happen in my life to move me forward?  Questioning. Everything.   

And then, as the day was coming to a close after receiving this news, I had to have a phone call with THE MOST angry, aggressive, irritating, and irascible woman I have ever met. She voiced complaint about everything, felt that she and others have been wronged, refused to listen to my explanation of how I planned to help support a fully-inclusive process, and talked over me as if nothing I said had any value.  This a professional woman whose role requires daily interaction with families. She is the co-chair of a group for which I am responsible, and yet she is truly one of the most ignorant and incompetent people I have ever met. So, by the time I got off the phone, my whole body was shaking, and my co-workers commended me on how calm and collected I remained in the face of an obviously frustrating phone call. They turned their chairs around to provide support and allow me to vent, while also giving me guidance and reassuring me that I managed someone who is historically difficult with diplomacy and finesse. This makes me incredibly thankful to be working in an environment where people care about me, believe in me, and are truly kind. It's such a refreshing change of pace.  And it's what we all deserve. 

And after all this, I left work and headed to our weekly couples therapy appointment. Our therapist was away last week, so we had A LOT to talk about. It was such a relief to have time and space to just share all that's going on for us and process it together. Although I am questioning the universe and feeling the incredible frustration of not moving forward more quickly, I am forever grateful to have Liz by my side through it all. I can't imagine riding this roller coaster with anyone else.